Gay Bullying, Girls in Leather, and Escaping from Juvie in Glee 2.06: Never Been Kissed

After two weeks of promos and strategically leaked musical numbers, we knew that Artie would be helping Puck finish his community service, Kurt would be getting a boyfriend—or, judging by the title of the episode, at least a kiss, since there seemed to be no doubt whatsoever that Never Been Kissed was in reference to him—and that Glee would be pulling out all the stops in honor of sweeps.

Can I just say that Kurt's potential relationships have really gotten the Internet up in arms? Tumblr is a scary, scary place. And with the It Gets Better Project, as well as the recent slew of suicides by young gay men, one can hardly fault Glee's production team for putting their spin on on the cause du jour. It's a topic well worth the coverage it's been receiving and no doubt there are some individuals whose primary beacon of hope comes from Glee.

That said, this is also another episode hearkening back to season one: Vitamin D this time, the one where Will split the class into boys and girls and everyone proceeded to pop some pills and have a speed-fueled sing-off that resulted in a draw. But this time, Mr. Schue adds a twist: the boy team must cover a female number, and vice versa. He announces this directly after a scene in which Kurt is, once again, shoulder-checked into a row of lockers.

A word about that scene: its accuracy was dead-on and disturbing. This is the first time we've seen an adult witness any bullying and actually do something about it. Kurt downplays it, claiming “this is my hill to climb,” but plucky Will Schuester is having none of it. Rather than being bothered by the fact that a student is clearly being persecuted because of his sexuality, Will is concerned that this is suddenly seeming to affect Kurt negatively. It seems that Kurt usually lets the abuse slide right off him, but it's only now that the strain is starting to show that someone finally feels the need to step in. This is the same Mr. Schue, by the way, who appeared in the very first episode as Kurt was about to be chucked into a dumpster and cheerfully asked if he was making new friends.

It's a good thing Will teaches Spanish and not psychology.

Further mirroring last season's Vitamin D episode, the glee clubbers find out which schools they'll be competing against for sectionals: an all-boys academy and a program for adults attaining their GEDs. Puck, fresh out of juvie and puffed up with pride, claims this will be a walk in the part. Hopefully someone remembers what happened when they made that assumption last year.

Puck's storyline this time revolves around being as enormous of an ass as possible and dragging Artie along for the ride. Literally, since Puck is performing his community service by pushing Artie around in his wheelchair. Regarding his time in jail, he declares, “All I did was cracks skulls and lift weights all day.”

Quinn, without missing a beat, deadpans. “What a catch. Why did I ever let you go?”

Community service also entails busking in school with Artie, singing Bob Marley's “One Love” to the accompaniment of randomly steel drums, and mellowly bullying people into giving up their cash. Which they buys decide to use in order to take Brittany and Santana on a double date. If you think this means Artie gets served for his behavior towards Brittany during the last ep, you're mistaken. Puck assures him, “You only have to be a fraction as nice to them as you are mean to them to get them to like you again.” Sadly, Brittany and Santana prove this to be very true.

After enthusiastically storyboarding in the name of Diana Ross and Bob Mackie feather boas, Kurt gets booted from the room by his less-than-impressed teammates. Puck suggests he go spy on the “Garglers,” referring to the Dalton Academy Warblers, which is a name that sounds downright dignified compared to last season's Aural Fixation.

Somehow, Kurt sneaks into Dalton and meets Harry Potter. Aka Blaine, played by Darren Criss of A Very Potter Musical fame. Blaine tells Kurt the Warblers are practically rock stars at Dalton and we get a (cute or corny; your mileage may vary) scene of them running to rehearsal in slow-motion while holding hands. There is an all-male rendition of Katy Perry's “Teenage Dream.” Kurt is entranced.

When some of the boys sit him down afterward, Kurt seems sure they're going to beat him up for spying. Then, showing that despite his attitude he's an much a credible kid as any of his classmates, he asks, “Are you all gay?”

We verge into after-school special territory for a little while as Kurt learns that “everyone gets treated the same, no matter what they are.” It's kind of appalling how stunned Kurt seems by that. Blaine tells him he can avoid being threatened by paying Dalton's hefty tuition fees (since going through a day of school without being harassed is something one should have to pay for) or he can confront his tormentors. In the words of AVPM's Professor Snape, can anyone tell me what foreshadowing is?

Meanwhile, Finn and Sam chat while hanging out next to each other in tubs. (Guys stripping off in the locker room? Where's Mr. Schue?) They commiserate about their girlfriends' virtue and Finn's mailman moment makes a cameo. Good to know he's still got it. He encourages Sam to find his “mailman” in order to fend of the frustration of dating a girl who won't put out (maybe because she got pregnant last year and is one of the only characters who seems to learn from her mistakes), and Sam finds it in the form of Coach Beiste, the strapping female football coach who is therefore prime mood-killing fodder.

Finn actually refers to her as “the Beast.” Finn, I realize you're a teenage boy with a brain the size of a walnut, but could you please make a slight effort to endear yourself to me?

Cut to Sam and Quinn, who seem to be making out in a hunting lodge. Quinn is putting out verbally, if not physically, and urging Sam to say her name. And, because Sam has been spending too much time with Finn, he actually says Beiste's name out loud. Sam, you fail at everything. Quinn ending up confiding in Sue, agonizing over the precarious state of her painstakingly rehabilitated image. Sue still resents Coach Beiste for putting a dent in the Cheerios' budget and has the perfectly sane idea of making her look like “the next Mary Kay Letourneau.”

She then wins my heart by referring to Sam as Quinn's “Macaulay Culkin stunt double.”

Breaking news! Mike and Tina get a scene and don't talk about being Asian!

I think. Tina either tells Mike, “With those abs, you could be my very own central Asia” or “my very own Situation.” So it might be an Asia reference and it might be a Jersey Shore one. Which is better?

Tina then proceeds to picture Beiste while making out with Mike, since nothing pulls the brakes quite like a masculine woman. Will, of course, finds out about this tactic and, as is his wont, has to meddle in a not-quite-appropriate way. He gathers up all the offenders and lets loose: “She's an outsider at the school,” he rails. “No one appreciates her or her talent because they've decided she's too different.” Never mind that Will was hating on her just as hard, at first. Seeing the error of his own ways makes it a-okay to ream out others for not seeing theirs.

Beiste says Will's the only person at school she trusts. Maybe she's just saying that to get him to tell her what's going on. And he does. He's Will. Unfortunately, he later finds Sue in the auditorium, armed with confetti cannons, a newly restored budget, and a cackle to end all cackles. Coach Beiste, it seems, has quit.

Will goes to talk Beiste out of it, whereupon she “comes out” as straight and confesses she's never been kissed. And Will kisses her. He's Will. More on that later.

Karofsky, the hulking hockey player whose been making it his mission to slam Kurt into lockers, gets in a few more locker-slams. Kurt throws a fit and runs after him, demanding to know what his problem is.

And Karofsky kisses him. More on that later.

During the double date, Puck continues telling stories about juvie, proving he's still a douche, and Artie ignores Brittany by pretending he finds the waitress hot. Annoyingly, the girls accept this rather than hightailing it back to Britt's place and Brittany's crush on Santana doesn't come into play at all. One gay storyline at a time. Puck instigates a dine and dash, but Artie redeems himself a bit by paying and standing up to Puck. Who...takes the women, like a prize. That seems to be a theme this episode

But not to worry, the next scene is the girls' group shredding through a mash-up of “Start Me Up” and “Living on a Prayer,” complete with leather and bandanas that would make Bret Michaels proud.

Kurt brings cavalry in the form of Blaine, since the two of them showing up at each other' schools whenever they like is not an issue. Karofsky denies everything, Kurt laments that his first kiss (he claims his experimental phase with Brittany doesn't count) took in that particular form, and Blaine takes him to lunch instead of offering him a less invasive snog session.

Puck confesses to Artie that juvie was actually awful: they pulled out his nipple ring and even took his waffles. Artie has a moment of altruism—“Geometry's easy, yo!”—and promises they can help each other out.

At Will's behest, the guys apologize to Beiste. Sam compares her to a chocolate turtle. Finn calls her “nougaty.” My eyes roll out of my skull and I start craving chocolate. At least Will told her she was “a beautiful, amazing woman whose heart is just too big for most men to stand.” They all whip out a mash-up of Stop in the Name of Love and Free Your Mind, after which they apologize and group-hug. Coach Beiste has been recognized for her womanliness and all is well.

Now. This episode finally delivered a few of the spoilers everyone's been speculating about for the past several weeks. We had the introduction of a couple other gay characters and there was even a man-on-man kiss. This can mean a couple things. One, everyone will be up in arms about it the way they were about Brittany and Santana's makeout scene two weeks ago. Two, Karofsky will suddenly be hot and have a huge fan following now that he's crushing on darling Kurt and everyone knows it. Three, he'll remain a tortured closet case and heads will continue to roll. A combination of all three options is also feasible.

But I have to ask, couldn't the closet case have been Azimio, Karofsky's partner in crime? Imagine the issues that could have been touched by a storyline about not just conflicted gay crushing but interracial gay crushing. There isn't a lot of focus on LGBT resources for POCs. And what about Mercedes, who hasn't been kissed at all? Sam's been around for just a few eps and he's already had more storylines than she has. Glee, you're getting' lazy. However, word has it that this story arc will continue for the next couple episodes, so anything is possible.